I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
