so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
