When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
MIDGETS
????
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
