dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I didn't notice because vodka
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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