My hair reeks of homosexuality.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
