I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
