We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Randomize
