I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
