mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
