he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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