FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
