True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
