WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
