You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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