my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
