i think my mom watched the whole time
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
