peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
