Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
