Only a mothe r could love this liver
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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