i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize