I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
