my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
