Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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