neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
