I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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