New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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