I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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