Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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