I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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