question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
