i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
