Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
