I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
