Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
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