fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
