I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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