In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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