My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
