I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
