just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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