I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
