she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
