You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize