I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
