i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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