And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
