God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.