why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
