If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
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He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
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I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?