Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?