I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
