Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
whose ass print is on the piano?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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