i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
