i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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