the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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