Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
