I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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