your parents love me but you hate me
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
