Dude my mom stole all your condoms
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
