i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
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