Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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