Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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