I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
