WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
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I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
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I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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