I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.