I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
